Who Am I?
Who am I? Good question!!
I honestly have no idea who I am lately. For the last two years I have been feeling like I have changed from one person to another. Some of the changes feel extremely uncomfortable. Growing pains have a whole different meaning as an adult.
Everything I know has become questionable. I wish I could blame COVID but sometimes I wonder if I manifested it with all my praying for a big sign. I was questioning a lot about my life even before COVID hit. I have always kinda sailed through life, and honestly it didn't seem too hard, even the toughest things felt like I could handle them. Then in 2018, I started to experience high stress levels at work, experienced my first bout of depression, anxieties and panic attacks but still told myself that it wasn't too bad, I told myself that others experience it and have "real" or "worse" mental health issues and I continued to push on. In 2019, I was diagnosed with burnout and exhaustion, which had been ignored too long and was causing a number of health issues. I was scheduled for a hysterectomy just before that spring, which forced me to literally stop everything. I was experiencing low iron and that prolonged my physical body healing and gave me the deep rest I needed. It took months to regain my body strength, and almost two years later, I am still a work in progress building my mental strength up most days.
During my recovery, I have taken the deep deep dives within myself to learn who I am under that life I was living. The one that was sailing right through. As my body and mind continue to recover, I continue to gift myself things that will help me grow towards loving and supporting myself in ways I never had time to dream of. I didn't know it at the time but I was living so many lies about who I was. I had many ideas about how life should be and not just for myself, but spent many years "helping" others live theirs. I gave the best version of myself at work and the rest of me to my family. That didn't leave much for me and at the end of my career in the legal industry, I had very little umph left for anyone. I feel like that person I was then was a completely other lifetime ago. Slowing down allowed me to recognize who I was not and opened up space for who I am under years of self sabotaging and mixed up priorities. Its true what they say, we only know what we know until we know better and, in order to choose how I wanted to live my life and move forward, I really felt a pull to explore the life that I came from.
I started by researching my lineage. I signed up for an Ancestry program and was about to be mindblown. That research led me to deepen my understanding of my background and introduced me to undiscovered parts of myself. I found so much joy and connection here. I was able to trace back on my paternal side to the 1500s. It was an abundance of information that unlocked a momentum of joy. It was a great project post hysterectomy to keep me still and mentally positive and inspired. The most joy came from learning about my great grandmother, Maud. Don't get me wrong all of it made me feel like I won the lottery but I had this special connection to Maud's energy and story. There have been the most amazing synchronization since tapping into those chapters of her story, because it IS my story too.
The more I've learned about my Ancestors and the more I learn their stories and traumas, the more I understood what I have been healing within myself and on a generational level over these last two very weird years of my life. I have also learned that there is so much I don't know about human history, Canadian history, Nova Scotia history and my community history. My mind opened to learning and discovering the essence of my being and it has been a wild fucking trip. Where I am landing after two years of being in the rabbit hole of self absorbed learning is an even bigger fucking trip. Plus my bucket list grew. I now have to visit Martha's Vineyard, Salem and England. Also Manitoba. There is a cool story about my 3rd Great Grandfather being the first to land survey when the settlers showed up. The stories attached to some of my lineage definitely stirred up some mixed feelings, so many questions too. And probably most importantly, the realization that in 200 years I am just going to be somebody's 3rd great grandmother on a family tree on Ancestry.ca. A tiny speck of dust on this ginormous timeline. The irony of knowing where I came from brought me right back to this present moment thinking about how I want to show up in the world right now.
I haven't felt ready to show up in the world for awhile. COVID was a blessing that allowed me to stop pushing ahead because that is what I "should" do. I was happy again, taking my small business program and things were just starting to take off when March 2020 rolled around. Another pause, more trauma for our little province, and, so the deeper in myself I went and found I was praying more and looking up to the sky.
Before COVID I had looked into the depths of my past to help me understand myself until I couldn't go back any further. So during the shut down, I guess I wasn't done digging and decided to expand my knowledge about how we are connected to the Stars.
I was the kid obsessed with teen magazines and flipping to the back to read my horoscope. Over the years I have learned those horoscopes are like a gateway drug to the hidden talents of the planets and stars in the sky! There are unlimited things to learn about our solar system and how it plays a role in our lives. We know that the Moon and our Nova Scotia tides are working together like clockwork, and we know that our human body is made up of 60% water so why not dig a little deeper. I have always been intrigued by Astrology but never took the time to dive right in, until now. I swear I have still only scratched the surface and alrea understand myself better.
One major inspiring moment I had was held in the first few pages of a book I inherited from my friend, Kyle. It was called Astrology and Your Health, written by Jeanne Avery. One day, I was sitting here minding my own business and out of nowhere this book slid out of a pile of many and crashed to my floor. And, it was this quote opening the book on a single, otherwise blank page, that hooked me.
"A physician cannot safely administer medicine if he is unaquainted with astrology." - Hippocrates
And apparently Hippocrates was the Greek Medicine Guru of his time, with a reputation of founding the connection between science and medicine and bringing it to what we know as medicine today. Which is beyond amazing when you sift through its evolution. But Hippocrates believed that the human body and health could be greatly improved with the wisdom from the stars, and many have forgotten this. To me, this is one thing I don't think we should have forgot. Since I am a walking encyclopedia of my own health issues and surgeries, I have become deeply intrigued by what that means and how it can help.
Most people are familiar with their zodiac sign. I am a January 12th baby so I am a Capricorn. When people ask what your sign is, they are looking for your Zodiac or your Sun Sign.
Besides Capricorn, there are eleven other signs and these signs each have their own constellation of stars in the sky, intermingled with Orien's Belt, the Big Dipper and more. At the exact time and place of my birth, the Sun was sitting inside of the Capricorn constellation. When the Sun in all its power sits in your constellation it illuminates all of the "traits" or personality of who we show the world we are. All the time we hear Capricorns are hardworking, serious, push forward, logical and practical people. We thrive on structure and routine and work work work our way through life. Each Sun Sign has their unique things about them too. Aquarius Sun signs are nearly the opposite of Capricorns. They are all about freedom and flexibility, love and light and serving the higher purpose. Capricorn is an Earth sign where Aquarius is an Air. One is grounded where one is floating. Another Sun sign, Pisces, are one of the most complex. They are the 12th sign and hold a little bit of it all. Pisces are known be emotional, expressive and creative. They can be sparkly light or deep in the dark. Aries Sun signs are also hardworking and you won't see them sitting still for long. You will see their patience as much as their drive forward. Taurus is known as the Bull and gets a lot of shit for its strong connection to bull energy and being a bully but I have only had amazing experience with Taurus and they know how to get shit done! Gemini people are known as the twins. They have a few different sides to them but their true essence is in their heart and boy do they love hard. They can also be just as cold shouldered. Cancer Sun signs are, how did my good friend Meg put it, "grumpy fairies". Accurate. My Leo friends are fierce and powerful and you can recognize them coming. Virgo, I find these signs quite mysterious but practical. Also hardworking and determined! Libras love balance and equality! Scorpio is known for their sting of course but they are wild hearts and fierce lovers. And finally, Sagittarius friends are our humanitarian leaders and courageous go getters!
Just like night and day, the Sun and Moon both play a role in our birth charts too! We all have a Moon sign - where the Moon sits at the time and location of our birth! At the time of my birth, the Sun and Moon were together in Capricorn! What a killer.
While the Sun represents traits of our personality the Moon represents how we handle or express our emotions. As a Capricorn Moon sign, this means I am very logical about my emotions. I send them up to my brain to process the shit out of it. I don't react often but if there are hurt feelings I go think long and hard about them and then bring them back to the table to discuss, if it is logical and practical to do so. Capricorn Moon and Capricorn Sun means that I have a lot of in the box ways of seeing and experiencing the world. I would say that I have lived my life mostly by a book. Routine and structure were always present and order is very important to me. Being logical, I rolled with the punches and pushed through life obstacles head on and with determination. So about three years ago when shit hit the fan at work, it was my Capricorn who had the drive to push on and fix it all. What a mess. I did not do any stress management and burnt myself out. The little engine that could, could no longer. That was quite confusing for my brain. To have to give up, to quit.
When I had my astrology chart done by Ariel Harper in March 2019, it helped with some of this confusion. Since then I have been learning about the stars and planets and their role in my personal birth chart. Each planet in the sky represents something in our individual charts based on their placements at the time of birth that make us more than just our Sun sign. You can gain information about what kind of relationship person you are, how well you get along with others, what past life lessons you are here to address and what we are here to embrace and grow into. My personal quest is to learn how my human body is effected by the planet placement in my chart and how I can give my body what it needs to thrive. And again with the irony, after I learn something new about myself, it is like it validates my intuition and my story. There is so much guidance from the stars if we look up.
I learned that we each have a sign called our Rising Sign or Ascending. This is easily found online for you but hit me up with any questions. My Rising Sign is Aquarius. Overachiever, I know. But what a tough one. As I mentioned earlier, Capricorns are rule oriented and well, Aquarius is our rebel. Our Rising sign represents who we are growing into after we shed all of the shit we learned or adopted as our own. We usually recognize certain things that no longer resonate with us on the other side of our biggest life lessons. When I learned I was not just Capricorn, I started to embrace some of my Aquarius qualities and my life actually seemed easier. Its been a fight between the old stubborn goat (Cappy) and the water bearer (Aquarius) but we are starting to understand each other better now.
There are no shortage of ways to get to know yourself. If looking back isn't your thing right now, then you can look up and out, down and in, or maybe you fall on the spectrum of not giving a shit at all. We all have our own path and purpose. I won't lie though, the consistent debate I have with myself is whether or not this was all necessary to explore in order to find myself. And, I really do not know. But one of the things I have learned about myself in this time of self discovery is that I am a seeker and storyteller at heart and it has been so revealing and rewarding to tap into the idea that we are so much more than we think we are.
I have also learned now it is time to integrate what I have learned and show up in the world. I feel excited for that chapter because there hasn't been any other chapter like this.
When I sit with the last few years I also see big walls I have carried around with all of my in the box and by the book ways of living. These walls have kept me protected and safe but also they blocked out so much love waiting for me. Letting love in can be terrifying. Just this morning my counselor said to me, think of your walls as a room in your house that you want to make bigger. It is scary at first but it just opens everything up, it makes more room.
So in my search for who I am I found many layers even before I get to the obvious ones like wife, mom, employee, community member. These things add to my life, but they are not who I am. And I am just me. Made up of so many unique things compiled into a big ball of me. It is so cool to think of all of us this way. To meet people with an open heart and open mind that we are not all what we appear to be on the surface but that we are all compiled of our parents and grandparents trauma, that we are all deacendants in families who shape our surface belief systems, and we are also all made up of the stars with our own unique experiences, paths and purposes that shape us into an imperfectly perfect mess of something really fucking beautiful when its given the credit it deserves. This perspective has helped me see that it is impossible to understand another. Doesn't that eliminate the option of judgment? Doesn't that make room for so much more love and compassion? Doesn't that give us all room to show up in this world and be unapologetic in who we are?